hi! i have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but i’m pretty sure that i have one. for as far back as i can remember i have been obsessed with my weight and being thin. i would say that i was very much so average, not fat, but definantly not skinny. just normal. and that really wasnt ok with me, i’ve always wanted to be that sick looking thin. i remember when i was in middle school wishing that i had an eating disorder, but i never thought it was all that weird that i felt that way. after all what woman doesnt want to be thin.

when i was 15 i started experimenting with fasting. i only did it every once in awhile and it’d only last a few days. no big deal. when i hit 19 it got alot more intense. things in my life just seemed to be changing and i was feeling lonely and very anxious. i started with crazy diets. but i have always been very much an all or nothing type of person. i fasted and fasted and fasted. i went from 138 lbs to 113. im 5′4 so thats really not considered anorexic by any means but still. everyone started saying wow you look a lot better and complimenting me and i was just constantly getting good feed back. it really made me feel like wow i really must have been HUGE.

so i got to the point were i was eating nothing at all and taking 4 laxatives every other day not to mention i was working out every day. not only was i doing it to lose weight but i all of a sudden felt this amazing feeling of control that is indescribable. if you have ever had an eating disorder you know exactly what im talking about. so this went on and then i wanted to see if i could “purge” my food. i did it and it was suprizingly easy. i did however think that i could never do that daily, it was way too much hard work. so every once in awhile i’d binge and purge. i never ever in a million years thought that i’d be doing it daily.

its crazy you always hear horror stories and think it’ll never happen to you. and here i am. puking 3-5 times a day. the reason i decided to tell my story is b/c i know others will be reading this and i just want you to know that if your heading down a similair path just know that it takes over your life. i know you all have probably heard the whole it only takes one time, and you roll your eyes. but it really really does. i never thought in a million years that i’d be curled up in my room every night puking my guts out. every time i eat the thought is there. everytime.

it doesnt matter what i just ate or where i am or who’s talking to me. all i can think is i NEED to get rid of this now. and i can’t stop. i hate the puking but i cant get myself to stop. the not eating and binging and purging is this cycle that i know will never go away. sorry this is so long and all over the place i just want you to know that theres people out there feeling exactly the way you feel and know from experience that an eating disorder really doesnt make you love yourself it does the exact opposite. ok well thnx for listening. and good luck